Updated: 50 facts about me

 Hello everybody, as I mentioned in my last post I wanted to update my 50 facts about me post from 2016 (😳). Gosh, time really has passed. For any of you who are interested, this is my post from 2016.

1) I'm now 22 years old which is a bit crazy as I've had 2 birthdays in the pandemic so I still feel like I'm 20. XD

2) I'm still living in Germany but I have moved around a bit since then. I still visit my hometown regularly but I also lived in Dresden for 2 years and in Dublin for a month.

3) I'm a Bachelorette now. I studied Tourism and Eventmanagement at FHD in Dresden and did a semester abroad at DBS in Dublin.

4) So horoscopes are still not my thing but I find it quite funny what's written in them.

5) I have blue eyes

6) Still dying my hair blonde but I want to give it a bit of a break from all that bleaching. The last time I bleached my hair was mid-September and my roots are showing again. This is kind of a big step for me as I really love the blonde on me.

7) I speak German (native language) and English (fluently).

8) I can speak a little bit of French, Spanish and Chinese.

9) Studying Spanish was harder than I thought. I took Spanish for 4 semesters and Chinese for 1 but without the practice, it's hard to keep up.

10) I miss my days in drama club and drama camp as it was so much fun. Unfortunately, I haven't picked it up ever again which makes me a bit sad.

11) If you drive with me you have to be prepared for a private concert of mine and my horrible voice XD.

12) I love Zumba dances but my coordination is horrendous.

13) So this one has changed. I loved going to the gym whilst living in Dresden and also doing home workouts. But I really need a gym friend otherwise I kind of lack the motivation to do so. My friend from Uni Nathalie was great as a gym friend and I do miss going to the gym to her (multiple times a week). I also had an accident at a trampoline park where I have ruptured the ligament in my left foot/ankle.

14) Purple for the win! Also Colleen Hoovers book Layla is purple in the german version and it is the most beautiful book I have ever seen!

15) I wouldn't say that I'm very fashionable but there is quite a bit more colour in my wardrobe these days. As well as many Christmas jumpers.

16) I mean who doesn't love comfy clothes, but sometimes I enjoy putting a bit more effort into my look.

17) I got a tattoo in January 2018. It's a tribute to my favourite city, London.

18) My scented candle collection has grown ever since 😅.

19) In my original post I have stated that I want to live in London one day, which I still do but I wouldn't want to live there for a really long time. Right now I really have no idea where I want to be. 

20) I love shopping and my go-to place is H&M. New Yorker, Primark and Shein also count to my most favourites.

21) I started scrapbooking in 2018 and I can't tell you enough how calming and therapeutic this is. Also, a great way to get creative with memories.

22) I got Netflix at the beginning of 11th grade and I'm surprised I made it through my Abitur 😅.

23) White Collar is my favourite show followed by Sherlock. Dark and Biohackers are great German shows on Netflix.

24) I'm in a happy relationship for over 2 years :)

25) You've made it halfway through the list as well as me.

26) I still can't draw but I love doing paint by numbers paintings.

27) I love driving and I always have just not in the snow I'm terrified of that. Since getting my licence in 2016 I have driven a lot since then, even in the UK which can be hard for people (as we drive on the right in Germany) but I honestly didn't think it was that hard.

28) I still post on my Instagram @doublesteff but I'm not really active on Twitter anymore.

29) As I have mentioned in my last post I have Emetophobia which is the fear of vomit, vomiting, feeling sick. It hasn't affected me that much in my life until recently.

30) I still have a phobia of snakes and I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, maybe also a  bit of depression.

31) The fact that I have been suffering from these mental illnesses for such a long time and still not gotten help for it is kinda ashaming. Like I know that there is sth not right with me and I do want to get help but I'm also very scared of it and that fear just overtakes all my bravery.

32) I do love cities but as I've gotten older I value the quietness of the countrysides more than I did 5 years ago.

33) I'm proud of myself for going to uni and getting my degree. I also want to do a masters degree as well.

34) Don't even ask about my music taste. My playlist lists anything from musicals to pop to German Schlager 😅.

35) I do wanna call myself a bookish person. I love reading and I have a huge collection of books. Colleen Hoover is just the best author in the world! My favourite books of hers are Ugly Love and Verity. I'm currently reading Layla. Btw I can really recommend buying a kindle.

36) Autumn and Christmas are just the best seasons on the world. I do enjoy summer and spring too but winter is the worse.

37) My love for travelling has only grown over the years and I've been to lots of places in Europe. The furthest I've gone was the Azores (Portugal) and Dubai. 

38) In 2019 I've been on holiday 8 times, in 2020 twice and in 2021 just once. Honestly, it is kinda frustrating not being able to travel.

39) I've lost my grandma (RIP) in May 2018. Just two days before my last oral exam for my Abitur. I really miss her but I'm more than thankful that I visited her in the hospital the evening before she's passed and that I got to say goodbye. Even though I did not know it would be the last one. 

40) I can like my nose with my tongue.

41) I'm an overthinker but back in 2016, I called it having a lot of imagination.

42) London really is my favourite city and a place that I strongly connect with my family.

43) I currently drive a 13-year old Honda Civic which used to be my mum's car.

44) I want to get another tattoo, actually more than one. 

45) I haven't told my family that I got a tattoo because they don't like them and think they are ugly and stupid.

46) I have my ears pierced, one on each side and I want to get a second one but I haven't decided on which ear.

47) I have a Samsung Galaxy S10e

48) I have insomnia and am currently writing this post at 1.30 am.

49) I sometimes which to go back in time. Either to kindergarten age or to 2019 as this was the best year so far.

50) I work at a hotel, to be precise at the one my mum has bought in February 2020.

Well, well, well some of them have gotten quite deep there. I hope you learned a bit more about me.

Love, Steff xx

Christmas Season and live update

Hello everybody,

we are currently one week into the fifth season, aka Christmas season. I love Christmas, but I had a bit of a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Without Christmas Markets and shopping for presents online instead of in store, well it makes things harder. I now have recovered from my blues and started to feel very Christmassy. Wearing Christmas jumpers, ordering presents and baking cookies are the things I enjoyed most last week. Also, Arthur Christmas, which is my favourite Christmas film is on Netflix!🎉 On the weekend I went to Dresden where they had a little Christmas Market, gosh it felt so good to see people having a good time.

Since getting my degree I started working at my mums' hotel, I have been working here before as a student, but now it is full time. I love working with people and in the tourism field, also my job is to do the marketing for the hotel. What I love most is that not one day is the same as the last. Obviously there are routines like the check-in process, but every guest is different and that's why it's never the same. I attended some business trips which were fun, and we started with our big renovation project. Unfortunately, we had to close our hotel and restaurant in November as Covid-Restrictions were intensified. Live was still busy tho as the renovation project needed all of our attention. It's all coming together now, and I'm so excited to see the finished project. 

I haven't been well mentally in the past month or two. I really struggled with all the restrictions, as I'm not vaccinated there's not much I can do. This led into me being very anxious and also depressed, and the fact that we have less and less daylight everyday just made it worse. In order to conquer this, I made a big decision and got vaccinated last Thursday. I still won't be able to do much until January, but this perspective really gave me some hope. Getting the vaccine was easy, and it didn't hurt. After the 15-min wait I had a very slight headache and my arm felt a bit heavy but nothing major. The rest of my day was quite hectic, but I could just go on. The next day I was very tired and couldn't focus, I could not lay on my left arm or lift it too high. I had a bit of a fever in the evening. I just took things slow that day and rested a lot. On Saturday I was feeling much better and only had a bit of pain in my arm. Over the weekend, this issue resolved and there were no other side effects for me. Now I'm just waiting to get my second shot. 

Another thing that really messed up with my mental health was my emetophobia and anxiety and panic attacks. In October my boyfriend caught a stomach bug and had to throw up at night in bed, luckily there was a bucket close so nothing got dirty, but I ran away crying and screaming for my dear life. I ran away in the middle of the night and have not been back to his place for that week. I was so scared to also have caught it that week, but luckily I didn't. Not only that, but I was so nervous going back, but I managed to do that. But ever since then, I sometimes struggle to fall asleep or stay asleep when I'm with him. This sounds so bad, and I feel kinda guilty for it, as obviously didn't get ill on purpose. I mostly struggle in the nights from Sunday to Monday, as this was the timing of him throwing up. I will either not be able to fall asleep or sleep for like 1-2 hours and then wake up. After 5 am, I'll start to calm down enough to fall asleep (again). I'm guessing the 5 am mark is like a save spot for me because he threw up at like 4.45 am on that night in October. Last weekend it was so bad that I actually left his flat at 3.30 am to go home and get some sleep. He was fast asleep and didn't realize what was happening. In the end I did not get a lot of sleep as I got up at 7 am again and went back to his to say goodbye for the week because he starts work at 8 am and I drive to my mums hotel and stay there during the week. 

I really don't know what to do about this. I feel so guilty because this is all my fault as this whole thing is really just in my head, and he did nothing wrong. 

Are you also struggling with your mental health or have emetophobia? What is something that helps you?

Love, Steff xxx

I'm a Bachelorette

Yep, that's right! I passed my thesis and my defence and got a 2.7 on it. In total, I left my studies with a 2.0 which is fucking amazing. I'm so happy but at the same time, it still feels weird... like I'm not a student anymore and I won't be for some time. I am thinking about doing my master's degree but I wanted to work for a couple years first, as studying is quite expensive. Although I'm lucky not to live in America😅.

So let's catch up, shall we? After my defence, I spent the day with my friend Nathalie, who I met at uni and had dinner with my bf and his family. Over the next couple of weeks, I spent a lot of time at my mums' hotel and helped her out. I went to the Tourismbarometer for Saxony which was very interesting and I also met one of my (now former) profs there. It was a bit cringe, to be honest, but fine. And on Saturday I had my Exmaball.

It was at the Airport of Dresden... kinda fitting even though it does sounds a bit funny. I took my Mum, her bf, my grandpa and my bf. It was a lot of fun and I did get to see some of my profs and people from my class. I think the last time I saw them was in summer 2020 when regulations were a bit eased and before that, it was the beginning of 2020 before Covid-19 was a thing here in Germany. I do have to say that the event planning wasn't done too great especially concerning pictures because other than a Photobox there wasn't really anything. We were supposed to have 2 photographers but they were nowhere to be found. So we only have the pics my family took and those my uni has but I'm not quite sure if we ever get them. As of Covid-19 regulations, all pics were taken with masks on which I think is really sad. I mean I get why we are wearing masks but taking a picture for like 30 secs to 1 min wouldn't do that much harm so yeah I'm not happy with those pics. The food was nice but the service staff was catastrophic. Lastly, the atmosphere didn't really do much either. There was a big band but they weren't any good and played for what feels like ages so lots of ppl left quite early. Later there was a DJ but with most ppl gone, it didn't felt like a great party. It also took place on two floors with the tables on the upper floor and the band/DJ on the lower which also took away the atmosphere. What was funny tho was to looks of ppl. There were flights at the airport in the afternoon and evening and you wouldn't really expect ppl to wear evening attire like nice dresses and suits at an airport. So we got some really funny looks. 

After driving back to the hotel we heard music coming from the Summer Ending Party which was still happening in the town. So my bf and I decided to go there as it was still on full blast at like 1.30 am. I can't tell you how much fun it was. Didn't go to many parties pre-Covid but I always enjoyed myself. Not gonna lie I saw and was with a crazy amount of ppl that weekend (probably over 1000) which felt a little weird but sooooo good at the same time. Anyway, we stayed there until 3.45 am and when we left the party was still going but I think it ended at like 4.00 am. 

That's it for now I do wanna update my 50 facts about me, is there anything you would love to know? And I want to talk more about my studies here. In the meantime, you can follow my adventures on Instagram @doublesteff

Love, Steff xxx

Current Thoughts

 Hi guys,

in less than 24h is my Bachelor defence. Right now I'm not as nervous as I have been the past couple of days. My presentation is done, so are my keywords the only thing left to do is choose clothes and practice. That's crazy!

But something else is currently on my mind and I know the following will be controversial and I don't mean to invalidate anyone thoughts and feelings towards this topic. So basically tomorrow there will be new rules in Saxony concerning the pandemic. And those rules are at the same time more strict but also less strict. Anyway, with the new rules, it is supposed to work like that: at a certain point of hospitalizations the rules will be very strict and basically only vaccinated people and people who have had the Covid-19 in the past six months are allowed to go places and do stuff. I have had Covid-19 probably in December last year but I only found that out in February this year because I did an antibody test and it came back positive. But this didn't allow me to be counted as someone who has had the virus because you would need to be able to show a positive PCR-Test. And with the new rules, there will be a certain point when "just" getting tested isn't enough anymore and you won't be allowed to do things and go places. The thing is I don't mind getting tested to be able to do things, I know it is quite a hassle but totally bearable. 

Now here comes the controversial part. I'm not vaccinated and I was not planning on getting vaccinated soon. I'm not completely against the vaccine, as a fact I'm vaccinated for everything else that I need vaccines for. I also don't believe in those conspiracy theories that Bill Gates is behind all of this and he wants to reduce the world's population or that there are chips in the vaccine that are supposed to control your brain or anything like that. And I also would get vaccinated at one point but not just now. The reasoning behind this is that I personally feel like the vaccine hasn't been tested enough and also not long enough compared to any other vaccine out on the market. You know what I mean? With any vaccine, I got it already has been researched and tested for years and decades before it got in my body. They also have been updated and further developments have taken place to make them better. But with the Covid-19 vaccine, these things did not happen in full capacity. There are no long term studies and I don't think anyone out there can give me 100 % reassurance that there won't be any long term effects at all. Because how could we know for sure if the vaccine has been developed a short while ago. Can someone tell me what will happen in 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, 20 years?! For me, this risk is one that I don't want to take and I'm sure my reasoning makes sense and maybe is understandable. If we could travel into the future 2 or 3 years done the line and the vaccines has been tested for longer and maybe even upgraded and it looks okay concerning side effects. I honestly would not mind getting it. But that's the thing, no one knows what the future holds. I also don't mind getting tested and I do follow social distancing and hygiene rules.

But now with those new rules, I feel very pressured to get vaccinated just to be able to do everyday things. And I'm not okay with that. I think it is morally very questionable if this is actually the right thing and it does not seem to me like democracy and being able to have free will and making my OWN decisions. This pressure is really getting to me. Because I know that if I don't get vaccinated those rules will apply at some point and I then will be left with only being able to sit on my couch and do nothing because I'm literally in a lockdown. Well, that would be very hard on my mental health. The past lockdowns haven't been good on it and I really struggled, what kept me going was the fact, that we were all in the same boat. But now we aren't anymore. 

You see I don't know what to do. For one I don't want to struggle with my mental health again and I don't want to feel like I'm missing out. On the other hand, I also don't really want to take that risk of getting the vaccine because I'm sceptical and scared of potential long term side effects. This pressure being but on me from the government is also very questionable.

I really don't know what to do....

Love, Steff xxx

Hello again...

 Well... it's been a couple years since I wrote something here but I have missed it all the time, I just never got myself to write again. I can't quite tell why I stopped I mean yeah life got busy and stuff but someone once said to me you are not busy if you don't find the time to do something it has no priority for you. Well, I guess that is what has happened. My priorities have shifted in the past 3 years. They were mainly focused on uni, my friends and family. And I guess the reason why I'm starting with this now is probably or let's better say most definitely because I'm procrastinating. I have my Bachelor-Thesis-defence in 3 days (crazy I know) and I haven't done a lot for it. I'm gonna be honest here, I'm shit scared to fuck it up or maybe I already fucked up my thesis and I just don't know yet. Anyways I'm also scared about what the future holds. I won't be a student anymore and being a student is what I have done for most of my life now. Also having studied Tourism- and Eventmanagement is kinda like being lost too. The past year and so has shown me how much of an insecure field this is. But by the time I started studying Covid-19 was not a thing. I also do not regret studying what I did. If I was asked now what I want to study I would choose the same thing! But studying is something and working in that field is not the same. Whilst you are studying you are kind of safe. I was lucky enough to be in a position where I did not lose a job or income, I was and still am financially stable and was also lucky enough to not lose family or someone close to me. I also could always count on my family. So yes I was lucky and did not need to worry much, but it still happens. And when it does, I feel bad about it because I know there are people in a position so much worse than mine. It's weird and complicated, isn't it?😅

I think I will leave this post like this now. I do (like really do) need to work on my presentation and defence but I promise I will be back and tell you all about the last 3 years (if anyone is still out there, reading this).

In the meantime let me know how you are feeling? Maybe you understand my struggles?

Love, Steff xxx

2018

Wow 2018 is over i can't even believe it. This year has passed so quick i feel like the last three months just lasted 5 seconds.... it is crazy.
this year has been an adventure i guess that's the best way to describe it.
So much has happened this year luckily most of the time good things but unfortunately a few bad things too but they are so minor compared to the rest that they not matter a lot.
It feels so surreal but this year i passed my "Abitur" (A-levels) and graduated from high school, i got into uni and it's going well so far, my uncle got married in south italy, i traveled a lot but the best ones were deffo my Edinbrugh and Dublin trip on my birthday and my Nice trip with my best guy friend to suprise one of our best friends. 
I got to meet so many new people and found a great friend in Nathalie thru uni. Break the Rules in Löbau was amazing so were the two times at an escape room this year.
The only bad things that i can remember that have happened were 1. (and worst) the death of my grandmother and 2. the alienation from vivi which is quite sad.
But back to the great stuff. I moved and now live on my own, i felt the most chirstmassy this year since a couple years ago and i'm grateful for every opportunity i had so far and the things that happened this year.

I just got back from my christmas party with my friends from school. 1 does Au-pair in Nice, 1 lives in Dresden as well, 1 still lives at home but works and 1 was in Australia to do work and travel but had to come back due to a car accident. I don't see them a lot. 
And we sat iin Enjoy (our go to place) and had what we always have and i just keep thinkiing this is so sureal like i feel like i've gone back in time and we are still in school but at the same time it felt like a dream cuz i know i have not seen them in so long and everyone kiinda does their own thing. 
I am so happy right now to call them my best friends because we had such a laugh and nothing has changed in the way we act and i love that and i never ever want that to change. I do believe we are going to stay friends and meet up and have a laugh even tho we don't see each other as often anymore (knocks histerically on wood!!!) 
Like i'm so happy right now i could cry (maybe it's cuz i'm getting my period but i actually think that i'm so happy and filled with joy, love and warmth.
We just went to Enjoy, had potato wedges with sour cream and ipanemas and talked and laughed, then we went to Aral to buy ice cream and drove to the Ortenburg to sit at that playground and eat our ice cream. It was so simple but one of the best memories this year although there just are a lot i can't even name all of them. 
I am very grateful for this year because it has been one of the best years if not even the best year in my whole life. 
I just wanna say "Thank you" for it and hope 2019 is just as great as 2018 has been or even better.

Dealing with the death of a loved one

Hello everybody, 

as of recent events I decided to use this space to clear my mind and talk about the things I'm feeling. 
There is never a good time for someone to pass away. As someone left behind in this world it's inevitable to not feel like it was too soon. But there is no too soon or too late or right time. We have to face this fact at one point. And some people face it quicker than others but you know everyone is different and there is no right or wrong.

My grandma just passed away. I can't deny the fact that we did see it coming but before you really have to face it you do everything to keep this knowledge as far back in your mind as possible until you can't deny it anymore. 
My grandma had a few strokes of fate to face. For as long as I can remember she has been disabled, she has been terminally ill for a couple years now and we all know that there is no other end than dying. But we still stick to the hope it won't soon or at least not for another ten years. But life doesn't work like that. All I know is that the past weeks have been great ones for her and the whole family. I like to think that she timed her death at a perfect time for her. About a week ago we all were in Italy for my uncle's wedding. And I hope this is what she thought about before she left this world. That her last memory is connected with everyone and that she'll keep in mind what a happy time it was.

I got the news this morning. At first, I couldn't believe it, I thought I was dreaming and as we went to the hospital shortly afterwards I still had some hope that she wasn't actually dead but she is. I couldn't go into her room. I stayed right outside. I'm glad I visited her yesterday evening. I keep her in my memory as she was.... alive, knowing that I was there at her bed. The last thing she said to me was: "Goodbye", little did I know it will be the last goodbye forever. The last thing I said to her was: "Goodbye. I hope you sleep well." and my grandfather said: "I'll be back tomorrow."

You know people always tell you there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance. I know people differ and not everyone goes through the same but I don't know if I'm even going through these stages. I know I denied the fact that she really is dead at first. But I wasn't angry at all. I don't see the point of being angry as it won't change anything anyway. I wanna say I bargained with the fact that my life has to go on. That I can't just stop now and I accept that. But I'm still not over it. I can't be. It's only been a few hours since I started grieving. All I know right now is that I'm sooooo sad to have lost someone so special in my life. And it hurts a lot but I also want to move on with my life because I know she would want it and I know time heals pain. I can't be sad forever as it won't help. I will always keep her in my mind and the memories of her with me. She is always with me in my heart. 
It is also ironic that today is such a beautiful, warm, sunny day. But she loved the sun and going outside. And this gives me hope. She wouldn't want the day of her death to be miserable and rainy.

Even tho my grandma doesn't understand any English I still wanted to thank her here for always being there for me and that I love her and miss her. I wrote her a letter where I explain my feelings for her in German.

I'm still hurting and I will for some time but I can't change the fact that she is gone and she would have wanted me to move on and be happy and joyful. And I'm gonna try my best to do so.

RIP Grandma, I will never forget you.
Love, Steff xxx