Dealing with the death of a loved one

Hello everybody, 

as of recent events I decided to use this space to clear my mind and talk about the things I'm feeling. 
There is never a good time for someone to pass away. As someone left behind in this world it's inevitable to not feel like it was too soon. But there is no too soon or too late or right time. We have to face this fact at one point. And some people face it quicker than others but you know everyone is different and there is no right or wrong.

My grandma just passed away. I can't deny the fact that we did see it coming but before you really have to face it you do everything to keep this knowledge as far back in your mind as possible until you can't deny it anymore. 
My grandma had a few strokes of fate to face. For as long as I can remember she has been disabled, she has been terminally ill for a couple years now and we all know that there is no other end than dying. But we still stick to the hope it won't soon or at least not for another ten years. But life doesn't work like that. All I know is that the past weeks have been great ones for her and the whole family. I like to think that she timed her death at a perfect time for her. About a week ago we all were in Italy for my uncle's wedding. And I hope this is what she thought about before she left this world. That her last memory is connected with everyone and that she'll keep in mind what a happy time it was.

I got the news this morning. At first, I couldn't believe it, I thought I was dreaming and as we went to the hospital shortly afterwards I still had some hope that she wasn't actually dead but she is. I couldn't go into her room. I stayed right outside. I'm glad I visited her yesterday evening. I keep her in my memory as she was.... alive, knowing that I was there at her bed. The last thing she said to me was: "Goodbye", little did I know it will be the last goodbye forever. The last thing I said to her was: "Goodbye. I hope you sleep well." and my grandfather said: "I'll be back tomorrow."

You know people always tell you there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance. I know people differ and not everyone goes through the same but I don't know if I'm even going through these stages. I know I denied the fact that she really is dead at first. But I wasn't angry at all. I don't see the point of being angry as it won't change anything anyway. I wanna say I bargained with the fact that my life has to go on. That I can't just stop now and I accept that. But I'm still not over it. I can't be. It's only been a few hours since I started grieving. All I know right now is that I'm sooooo sad to have lost someone so special in my life. And it hurts a lot but I also want to move on with my life because I know she would want it and I know time heals pain. I can't be sad forever as it won't help. I will always keep her in my mind and the memories of her with me. She is always with me in my heart. 
It is also ironic that today is such a beautiful, warm, sunny day. But she loved the sun and going outside. And this gives me hope. She wouldn't want the day of her death to be miserable and rainy.

Even tho my grandma doesn't understand any English I still wanted to thank her here for always being there for me and that I love her and miss her. I wrote her a letter where I explain my feelings for her in German.

I'm still hurting and I will for some time but I can't change the fact that she is gone and she would have wanted me to move on and be happy and joyful. And I'm gonna try my best to do so.

RIP Grandma, I will never forget you.
Love, Steff xxx

Review: Hamilton

Hello everybody,


I'm so sorry I'm the worse. I hope it'll get better once I'm finished with my lessons. 

Now let's talk about Hamilton.

The show was absolutely amazing. Better than I ever expected it although my hopes were high from the beginning. I went on a Saturday afternoon. There was a queue outside but we were inside very quickly. The staff was just lovely, very helpfull, friendly and everyone had a smile on their face. The Victoria Palace Theatre is beautiful, very majestic. 

I can't even explain to you how much it means to me that I was able to go and see the show. When the tickets first got released at the end of last year. It was already quite hard to get good tickets to the show that were affordable for me. And I was hoping so much to be able to get them. I think I've never been that nervous before to get tickets to anything and when I finally purchased the tickets (which were about £56 each). I screamed of happiness. I couldn't wait to go there. When I walked into the theatre one of the first things I did was going to one of the merch tilts. I've bought a hoodie which I absolutely love it's so soft and warm. I've also bought a bag and the London programme. But there were so many more things I wanted. Then it was time to first get into the actual theatre I was very astonished on how great the stage looks. I mean I've seen many different videos about the show on YouTube but seeing it live and in person is a whole different thing. I couldn't wait for it to begin. And then the show started and throughout the whole show I laughed and cried and I was singing to every song in my head. Even tho I've listened to the soundtrack many times before and still do it I just never get bored or sick of it. But I guess the best thing is that now when I listen to it I have the visuals saved in my mind and I keep playing them back in there and it feels so much more complete. But this wouldn't be possible if the actors and everyone else from the Victoria Palace Theatre wouldn't do their jobs as great as they do them. The cast was perfectly cast, the choreographies are amazing as well as the costumes and of course the songs. 
I sat at the stalls and I had an amazing view on the stage for the price I paid.
The only thing that was a bit negative to me is that either there weren't enough toilets in the basement/in general or the interval was a bit too short. Because I just made it to the toilet stalls when there was only 5 min of a 20 min interval left and there were still so many people behind me. I don't know if this is like that on all floors or just there.

But all in all, it was amazing and one of the best days of my life and I'm so happy that I was able to see the show and I would recommend it to everyone whether they heard of it before and are fans or they haven't heard about it at all. If I get the chance I would definitely go and see it again.

Love, Steff xxx 

PS: Thank you, Bridgette, for introducing me to this musical. You are a legend xx

Travel: London 2018

Hello everybody,

I AM BACK!!!!!
I'm back from London, my holidays are over and school has started again.

Activity-wise this year has been the most eventful and successful year out of all of them.

Usually, we go there by ship from Dunkirk but because I get really seasick we tried out going by train thru the Channel Tunnel. I have to say it is so much quicker, nicer and if you book the train ticket about 4 months before going they are just as much as the tickets for the ferry.
For me this year was exciting in another way too because I drove all the way from my home to our hotel in London. We left home on Friday to get to my mum's place, stayed there overnight and went to Calais the next day. And oh my world it was sooo windy in Calais. At one point whilst we unloaded the car I thought it's gonna fall on top of us. 

Anyway the next morning we took the train and I drove "on the wrong side" for the first time. It actually wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and I guess because I'm not driving for too long but still long enough to feel confident it helps. I guess if you are just used to drive on the right and never really driven in a city it is way harder. Also, I feel like whenever you do drive somewhere tricky or somewhere you haven't driven or even on the other side you need to remember to feel confident. I told myself you've driven a lot the past year, on motorways, in the city and in the countryside.... you know you can do it because you did all these things before. So if you ever get to drive on the opposite side remember to be confident, you know you can do it and don't stress yourself.

We arrived at lunchtime, checked in and had some lunch and later some cake and coffee at my uncles. It starts to get a tradition that we have a Chinese takeaway for dinner when we arrive there.

The next day my grandparents and I went to the science museum. It was quite busy and full of younger kids but we still had a great time. My grandparents were fascinated by the fact that cyclamen bloom in February in London outside. I'm not that into plants so I didn't know it was that special. In the evening we went to Carluccio's for dinner.

On Tuesday my mum, her boyfriend and I went to Westfields in Shepard's Bush to go on a hunt for my "Abiball" dress. But first, we had some lunch in a cute coffee shop I've never been to before which was called "Love Coffee". That day I actually got a few things (which I'm gonna talk about in another post as well as the rest of the things I got during my time there) but most importantly I got my "Abiball" dress. I never thought I would get it that quickly but here we go. It's dark purple and full-length. It rather looks like a formal/evening dress than prom-y but I think that's a good thing because you can wear it again and again. We had another chilled dinner at Le Competitor as it was a bit raining outside. 

On Valentines Day my grandfather and I went to Sherlock Holmes Museum. It was truly amazing seeing all those details. I loved the wax figure part and the souvenir shop the most. But also the staff was very friendly. Later we nipped to Pret for some lunch and headed back to the hotel where we went to the 27th floor to take some pics. For dinner, we went to the Creperie in South Ken. To my surprise, you can get a cinnamon latte there which I'm still obsessed with. 

Funny enough I absolutely have no idea or what so ever I did on the 15th the only thing I do remember is that we went to Galvin at Windows for dinner to celebrate my grandfathers birthday. It was the second best thing we did and the best place we had dinner. I loved everything about the food, the view, the staff.....just AMAZING!!! We had a table right by a window and had wonderful views over the north of London with Hyde Park on our left.
It was such an amazing evening.

On Friday my mum, her BF and I went on a stroll through London starting at Picadilly Circus. It is beautiful during the day but it's way better at night when all the lights are on. We took the tube to Tower Hill and walked along the Tower. I have been inside Tower Bridge before but that was 15 years ago when I was 3 years old so I can't remember that much about it. What I do know is that they put glass floor on their walkways. It was so funny to see all the people, young and old laying on the floor. I did too. In the evening we went to Sofra and had a sightseeing tour afterwards. 

Saturday was the best day ever! My grandpa and I went to see HAMILTON. It was honestly amazing but I'm gonna talk about it in another post. In the evening we went to that French place we had a Sunday Roast last year, "Le Sacre Couer". I have to say tho it was way nicer at lunchtime it was just way too loud. You had to scream to the person next to you so they would understand you. 

On Sunday my family went to Windsor. I've been there before so I stayed at my uncle's and spent my time netflixing. In the evening we went to a pub called "The White Horse". If you love beer it's perfect for you. They have 42 different taps and they change beers daily. They also serve vegan food. I didn't like it that much tbh. It smelled too much of beer for me and the food wasn't really my taste. But that just my point of view.

Monday was our last day. My mum, her BF and I hit Oxford Street. Truly my fav thing to do. We went to Primark and we bought so much stuff we walked out of this store with 5 filled to the top bags. Next, we had some lunch at M&S Café and a few hours later we had even more bags. We had to head back to the hotel tho cuz we had dinner reservations. The only problem was that we got right into rush hour. It was quite fun tho. Final dinner was pizza express and OMFG that pizza was just amazing. As a dessert, I had a Biscoff Cheesecake with either a cinnamon or Biscoff latte.

Love, Steff xx

Coping with difficulties

Hello everybody, I wanna talk about this topic because we talked about it in English this week and I thought it was quite interesting. This was a topic at an oral exam a few years ago and we are practicing these rn.

These are just my thoughts. You probably have different ones and I'd love to know what you think.

"There are no negatives in life, only challenges that will make you stronger." (Eric Bates, Professor for Medicine at the University of Michigan)

 I think this is a very true quote and I totally agree with it because it gives you hope and maybe joy. If you think everything negative is a challenge rather than something negative. I mean even the word negative sounds so negative (I know, obvious). It's only a word, some letters put together in a certain order but it still brings you down. A challenge tho is something you are excited about and you do it and no matter if you win or lose, make it through or not you learn something. The strength you gained this way is not only physically but also mentally. And for me, mental strength is so much more important than physical.

"If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem. Everything else is inconvenience."  (Robert Fulghum, American author)

I think what he tries to say is that we exaggerate a lot, especially if it comes to problems. He wants to remind us that nothing is as bad as it seems. And I think that's something you should always remember when a new "problem" comes up in your life because mostly the simplest solutions are the hardest to find. (It's a pity that only some problems are really as bad as they seem)


But these big problems are different for every one of us. Some problems you face aren't an issue for others. 
I'm going to graduate from high school (Gymnasium in German) this summer and the biggest problem I'm facing right now is to find the right path for me, for my future. How I want my life to be. Questions that I'm asking myself and many others too are: What to do after school? What should I study? Where should I study? Is this really the right thing for me? Should I share a flat or live on my own? Can I afford to live on my own? How does a washing machine work? How do I pay taxes or for insurance? 
And many more of this kind.

Another problem (especially for me) is mental health. Our society doesn't talk about it. We do so much for our physical health but not our mental health. And for me, that's just frustrating. And what's even more frustrating is that so many more people suffer from mental health issues nowadays. But tbh that shouldn't surprise us. A reason for that is the pressure that not just we put on ourselves but also our society puts on us for example thru social media. I mean just look on your Instagram feed....what do you see? People who live their everyday life or models with the perfect body, perfect make up and perfect lighting in their pictures. Everyone is showing off how perfect their life is and to what beautiful places they travel. But the truth is not everybody can have this aesthetic. And that is completely fine. Also, one picture that is probably photoshopped isn't their whole life just a very tiny fraction of it. Sure I also post pics that look nice and yes maybe I'm showing off that way, bragging about the food I eat and the places I got to. Tho the major reason why I post is because I want to show my friends some pics and this way I won't have to send them to each individually but I also want to remember special moments and when and where they have happened. I don't post very often and that is because not everything in my life is perfect. I don't travel all the time and I don't always have fancy meals. But that's totally okay.
What I think is really sad about this mostly younger people don't understand it (but also older ones too). The things they see isn't what the real world looks like. 
My uncle asked me a few years ago why I post things on Instagram and what do I hope I get from it. I didn't have an answer back then and it made me think. I was actually thinking a lot about it. That's also the time when I started posting less frequently and fewer selfies because it can be really dangerous.

I know I'm rambling but there are just a few important words I want you to take to heart.
You're already beautiful the way you are and you shouldn't let anyone tell you something else. 
There will be happy and sad times but no matter what you will get through those times. ( I feel like I said this quite often now)
Don't exaggerate the small things in life and just don't stress out so fast.
Find your passion and stay with it no matter what everybody else says.

Love, Steff xxx

2017 - what a Year

Hello everybody,

I used my first week of 2018 to review what happened in the past year and how it changed me as a person as well as getting back into school and my last term (it's ridiculous). 
I would have done this post sooner but I, unfortunately, caught a cold I'm getting better tho.

So many good and bad, great and terrible things happened in 2017 I don't know if I should call it the best year of my life (so far) or the worst or both.

The year has not just passed so quick it is also full of that I want to keep forever and sometimes go back to if things aren't as great in the moment.
Last year I posted my plans for 2017 and tbh I did stick to all of them most of the time.
I wanted to travel more in 2017 and I deffo did what is amazing and I really want to continue doing it. Because as of now I've already got 2 holidays planned ahead for this year.
I really tried hard to do more for school and I could stick to it a lot of the times but because of certain things happening and my mental state it wasn't always as easy especially in the first trimester of the year but another plan was to work on my mental health. It is hard to do this for me because it still kinda feels new to me and I'm still exploring things about myself. I will continue working on it and also study harder for school but to achieve the best result possible I need to find a balance but also have to take breaks if my mental state turns worse which is something I actually learned not that long ago.
Coming to my next plan. Spending more times with friends and family and this also happened more often but also sometimes has its price and sometimes it won't work out which is devastating but I need to accept my capabilities. Lastly, I wanted to structure my life and I happened to achieve this for a long time but because of travelling I got out of it every time and getting back in was hard so I lost most of the new structures during the end of the year.

Anyway, let's recap the year month by month...

January actually was quite chilled activity wise. I went to two fairs and took part in the mental health awareness campaign #weswear.

February I went on holiday to London and it was just amazing and one of my highlights. I also went to Fasching in Wittichenau and had an amazing time with my friends.

In my March my focus really was on school but I still found some time to spent it with my family and baked with my friends.

In April I went to my mum over Eastern (not just then we also saw each other during the past month too) and it actually snowed. As I got back here I went to a vernissage from my grandfather's sister and the traffic here was mad.

I spent most of my May at school with my friends and the best weekend in May as it has been for years is the weekend when the Bautzener Frühling happens. Because for me that means having Langos for pretty much every meal (except breakfast) over the weekend.

June really was crazy. I passed 11th grade which is like so scary for me anyway but also summer and travelling began. On the 27th I went to THE GRAND SHOW in Berlin and on the 30th our journey to Italy began.

In July I only spent 4 days at home there rest of the times I was travelling around. I went to Italy which was great. I spent a week in Tuscany and another one in Rome. Rome is so beautiful but my time there also came with challenges especially mental wise. I spent a few hours in Sebnitz to visit the Camp I normally would have gone to and I had a great holiday with my friends in Hamburg (my favourite German city) and Soltau and these were my highlights of the month.

In August my last school year started but before that happened I went to two Birthdays and had a great short camping trip at one of them.  And I also had a fun afternoon with my friends going to this event at the barrier lake at the opposite site I live.

September has to be my favourite month. It was my 18th birthday and I had so much fun at the party with my family but especially with my friends and I fell in love with mango caviar and sweet potato mash with pumpkin on rice. I had my one-year driver's licence anniversary, I went to the cinema a lot. My friend Six' birthday party was hilarious. I've grown an obsession for Val Paraiso and White Collar. I voted for the first time. Just so many great things happened.

October was very mixed tho. I went to Hans Zimmer Live in cinema with Tate. My obsession with Hamilton has grown even more. I went to the "Chorlager" what is a rehearsal kinda camp for our school choir. But best of all Olivia visited me and I had sooo much fun.
But there was also a really dark time towards the end of the month which still affects me now. It changed a part of me and I learned things about me, other people and how much mental health issues are hushed up in our society.

November was also full of friends, family and school. I did a lot of Black Friday shopping and had a GNI that was so fun. And I finally watched PLL and loved it through and through
December is my other favourite month. Schoolwise it was very stressful but to come to terms with myself and relay I had an SPA day. We had our Christmas concert at school, I got new glasses and spent as much time as possible with my friends before going away over Christmas. My Christmas was very relaxed and fun and so was New Year's Eve. I spend most of the time with my family, especially my mum but also had to do some projects for school.
I love going to my mum's place because I can really relax there in a way that I can't do at home also the air is so much fresher there than here (even tho my home and my mum's place are both in the countryside but it still feels like it).

I hope you had an amazing Christmas and New Year's Eve, spent lots of quality time with your loved ones and recharged for this year.
If you have resolutions or plans I hope you can stick to them and achieve whatever you dream/wish for. I just keep my plans from last year.

Here's to an amazing 2018 with more of those great memories. 
I hope you have a great one.

Love, Steff xx