Living with a mental illness

Hello everybody, better grab a drink and some snacks because this is a long one.

It is going to be hard but I think it has to be said out loud. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I have been depressed and there was a time in my life where I barely ate and did so much exercise. But that's behind me and this post is about anxiety and panic attacks because that's what is happening right now.

So let me start with how it all began (even though there is no exact moment). I've always been very shy and afraid of many things and I have a huge imagination.
The time I had my first panic attack was around 4 years ago. At this point, I had no clue what this was and how it's going to affect my life. We went to the hospital but they (obviously) couldn't find anything that was physically wrong with me. So they told me and my mum that maybe I should see a psychiatrist. I was so confused I didn't understand why I should go to a psychiatrist. I didn't felt "ill" or something so we left it. I did feel anxious after this but it stopped quickly. A few months later my mum asked me if I'd want to go and see a psychiatrist (because in Germany you need a special form to be able to see a special doctor and ours was about to expire). I was like "No it stopped and I feel fine". It had stopped for some time and then it started again but I knew it was all in my head so I ignored it. Time has passed since then but it got to a point where I wasn't able to ignore it anymore. It got worse over the years and it still does. It affects my everyday life way more than it should and I never expected this to happen in my life. It feels like something that takes over control of my body. The thing is I do know that I need an expert to work on it but I kind of got used to giving in and I realised that thinking about seeing a psychiatrist makes me feel anxious. I feel like this person would judge me and be like "Get over it, you little pussy!" what obviously isn't the case but my mind tries to convince me that this is the real situation.
I've sworn to myself as soon as I turn 18, I'm going to see a psychiatrist. One reason why I chose this age is (at least I think this is right, correct me if I'm wrong) that if you under 18 doctors can tell your parents so I just want to be sure. I don't want to tell my parents until I made some progress and I don't want to put this extra weight on their shoulders because their life isn't easy either. I know they wouldn't mind and they care about me and love me but my mind is stronger than me.
I know I'm doing it the wrong way and I want to change it but I've made this decision and there isn't really a way back for me. You make them before knowing the outcome. And personally, I can be very stubborn so there we go. That's it from my past now let's come to the present situation.

I gave up a lot of things that I enjoyed and I regret it, I regret it so much it hurts. There are only a few days that I don't feel anxious or have a panic attack. I get them nearly everywhere at anytime. Sometimes I can ease them down but other times I can't. Anxiety and panic attacks rule my life. There are days that I feel fine, there are hard days and there are days that I can't even get out of bed because it's the only place that I feel kind of safe. And at the end of the day, it won't stop. It thrills you at night. There is no escape.
If you never experienced a panic or anxiety attack before I quickly try to explain it to you.
Imagen you sit on your couch. You watch some TV or read a book or do nothing. Then you realise your breathing has gone crazy. You feel like there is no air going into your lungs. Your heart beats so fast or even skips a beat or two. You start wondering what is wrong and that's the point where you can't stop it anymore. Your mind starts to image the weirdest things and convinces you that you are going to die. This is just one way it can feel like. Other "symptoms" that I personally have are dry mouth, sweating, hot flushes, feeling cold, shaking/trembling, crying, feeling trapped, feel like you go insane, feel like fainting, dizziness, feeling lightheaded, headaches, feeling nauseous or sick, going to the toilet more frequently, feel like you aren't connected to your body....and many many more.
It is a never ending fight and some days are better than others.


I hope you got kind of an expression what it feels like and if you want to learn more about it or any other mental disease check out Mind.
If you suffer from any mental illness always remember you are not alone.
I also want to know how it affects your life.


Love, Steff xx