Dealing with the death of a loved one

Hello everybody, 

as of recent events I decided to use this space to clear my mind and talk about the things I'm feeling. 
There is never a good time for someone to pass away. As someone left behind in this world it's inevitable to not feel like it was too soon. But there is no too soon or too late or right time. We have to face this fact at one point. And some people face it quicker than others but you know everyone is different and there is no right or wrong.

My grandma just passed away. I can't deny the fact that we did see it coming but before you really have to face it you do everything to keep this knowledge as far back in your mind as possible until you can't deny it anymore. 
My grandma had a few strokes of fate to face. For as long as I can remember she has been disabled, she has been terminally ill for a couple years now and we all know that there is no other end than dying. But we still stick to the hope it won't soon or at least not for another ten years. But life doesn't work like that. All I know is that the past weeks have been great ones for her and the whole family. I like to think that she timed her death at a perfect time for her. About a week ago we all were in Italy for my uncle's wedding. And I hope this is what she thought about before she left this world. That her last memory is connected with everyone and that she'll keep in mind what a happy time it was.

I got the news this morning. At first, I couldn't believe it, I thought I was dreaming and as we went to the hospital shortly afterwards I still had some hope that she wasn't actually dead but she is. I couldn't go into her room. I stayed right outside. I'm glad I visited her yesterday evening. I keep her in my memory as she was.... alive, knowing that I was there at her bed. The last thing she said to me was: "Goodbye", little did I know it will be the last goodbye forever. The last thing I said to her was: "Goodbye. I hope you sleep well." and my grandfather said: "I'll be back tomorrow."

You know people always tell you there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance. I know people differ and not everyone goes through the same but I don't know if I'm even going through these stages. I know I denied the fact that she really is dead at first. But I wasn't angry at all. I don't see the point of being angry as it won't change anything anyway. I wanna say I bargained with the fact that my life has to go on. That I can't just stop now and I accept that. But I'm still not over it. I can't be. It's only been a few hours since I started grieving. All I know right now is that I'm sooooo sad to have lost someone so special in my life. And it hurts a lot but I also want to move on with my life because I know she would want it and I know time heals pain. I can't be sad forever as it won't help. I will always keep her in my mind and the memories of her with me. She is always with me in my heart. 
It is also ironic that today is such a beautiful, warm, sunny day. But she loved the sun and going outside. And this gives me hope. She wouldn't want the day of her death to be miserable and rainy.

Even tho my grandma doesn't understand any English I still wanted to thank her here for always being there for me and that I love her and miss her. I wrote her a letter where I explain my feelings for her in German.

I'm still hurting and I will for some time but I can't change the fact that she is gone and she would have wanted me to move on and be happy and joyful. And I'm gonna try my best to do so.

RIP Grandma, I will never forget you.
Love, Steff xxx